Dear Diary; The Honest One
Hi guys and happy Sunday!
This one is going to be pretty short I’m afraid, its deadline crunch time so most of my time has been spent doing uni work. However I did had to bite the bullet on Monday and sign back on for ESA (employment and support allowance in case you don’t know what it is). I was on it before I started university and as such thought it wouldn’t be too much different setting a claim up now to what it was back then…wrong! Everything has to be done by phone now, no more getting a form and filling it in, you have to phone up (wait 45 minutes to get through to someone!!) and then they ask you the questions over the phone.
Now I can’t speak for ever person that works there obviously, I’m sure there are loads of lovely and helpful people there, but the woman I ended up speaking to was really unhelpful, she had her script and she was sticking to it, even if I didn’t understand the question. I can’t remember what the question was exactly (I think it was about housing benefit) but I didn’t understand exactly what she meant, so I asked her a question…to which she replied by just repeating the question she had asked in the first place! I was already having a mild panic attack from having to use a phone, as it is something I really struggle with anxiety wise, but this made it ten times worse since I didn’t know what she was asking and clearly she wasn’t going to help. Since it was about claiming something I just answered no to be on the safe side, better to not claim something you are entitled to than claim something you aren’t. Or at least that was my logic at that moment.
After I finally managed to get through all the questions I ended up just curling up under my quilt with a hot chocolate and my kindle for a few hours wanting to cry and feeling like I was failing at life and should just not bother anymore. I pulled myself out of the pit of self-pity and hatred after a few hours by reminding myself of the things I’ve overcome and done in he past but it was hard. Very hard.
In the past two weeks I’ve only left the house twice. That’s it. I’m trying to kid myself by saying it’s because I’ve been too busy with uni work but I know I’m lying. I can’t stand being around strangers/the general public at the moment and on both occasions I’ve been constantly thinking there’s something wrong with the way I look or people are laughing at me. This is a battle I thought I’d won last year but it looks like I’m going to have to fight it all over again and I’m not sure I’ve got the strength to do it. I’m off to London for a few days next month to FINALLY go see Harry Potter Studios and unless I get my act together pretty quick I’m going to end up ruining the trip, for me and my best friend. On a less depressive note I can’t believe it’s only a month away! We’ve had this planned for nearly a year and time has just flown by!
Also as you may have seen if you read my Three Things I’m Grateful For post, I finally got round to updating be Behance profile! See I have done something productive with my week! For those of you that don’t know what Behance is, it’s basically a site that allows you to upload your design work for other people to see, like and comment on. It’s also a good way of having an online portfolio that potential employers can go look at in addition to or instead of a traditional printed portfolio. Mine was looking very unprofessional and I hated it but as we have a portfolio presentation coming up at uni next week I decided I was going to revamp mine so I wouldn’t be embarrassed to show it. I decided to put my work into mock ups rather than just having the end product just sat there. Not only does is show how something would look when bought or used, it also makes the portfolio more interesting to view. And it looks a hell of a lot more professional! If you want to check out my Behance portfolio then click here. Please feel free to give me your feedback on my designs, either in the comments or on social media (Twitter or Instagram).
I’m also considering starting a shop to sell some of my designs like the ones below so please also let me know if this would be something you would be interested in! 🙂
And that’s it! This post hasn’t actually been as short as I thought it would be (mainly because of the images but whatever, I’ll take it!) I’ve been a lot more honest in this that I ever intended to be, but at the same time if someone reads this and goes “hey I do that too” or realises it’s not actually a bad thing to have bad days, we all get them, then I’m doing what I set out to do with this blog!