Whenever I write these posts I freak out slightly- like how can it be October already! I remember a time when a month seemed to last a year and I was counting down the time to my birthday or Christmas with excitement- now I dread it as it means I’ve wasted another year and not really done much.
I know that’s my anxiety and depression talking but I can’t help listening to it sometimes. I’ll be 23 next month and I haven’t set up my own business, I don’t even have any money coming in unless you class student loan. I don’t have a husband and a baby: not that I particularly want one, but 12-year-old me was determined that by the time I was 25 I would have both. I can’t drive- so much for learning the second I turned 17, although that’s because insurance and lessons are ridiculously expensive!
I guess I’m running on a little bit of a downer at the moment, sorry about the depressive start to this post but I felt like I needed to be a bit more honest with myself than I have been of late- I’m not as happy with my life as I pretend I am.
Which is why I set myself goals like this, so that at the end of the month I can see if I’ve made any progress, if they’re feasible and also if I still want the same things.
So with that in mind, have I achieved my goals from last month?
My first goal was to make a good first impression at uni and I think I’ve done okay with this one. I spend the first day sat on my own, becoming more and more depressed and anxious and basically just wondering why the hell I thought I’d be able to do this. However what I hadn’t noticed was a group of people sitting opposite me had noticed me on my own. Also the tutor made us do the whole “hi I’m so and so and I..” thing which I hate! I’m a ridiculously private person and hate just telling s group of strangers something about myself.
Yes I’m aware that is ironic when I blog about very personal things on the internet where anyone could read them, but I think that’s because I’m very unlikely to meet anyone that’s read my blog so doesn’t really count.
Anyway I freaked out slightly, couldn’t think of anything I was willing to say so I just said that I have Aspergers. Well so does a member of that group it turns out! When I went back for my next lesson a few days later she started talking to me, saying she has it too and she remembers how much she struggled to find people to talk to and sit with. The group was kind enough to invite me to sit with them and include me in their conversations which I really do appreciate! If it wasn’t for this then I’m pretty sure this goal would have been a big fat nope, but as it is I think it’s a good start for my first week!
The second goal is one I’m happy to say I’ve been keeping up with- my skincare routine! I’ve ended up skipping a few days towards the end of the month as I’ve just been so busy and stressed and it kind of got put to the back of my to do list. However I’m still noticing a lot of benefits from doing it and I love how smooth my skin is now- a big difference from 6 months ago!
Related: My New Skincare Routine
Go to the gym at uni was the next one but since I only got enrolled a few days ago that’s not been possible, you have to have your student card before you can go and sign up. I still intend to do this if I can but I won’t make it a goal for next month, I think that it puts too much pressure on myself. Since I don’t know how hectic my schedule is going to be and if I’ll have the time I’m going to leave it for now- if I go, great. If I don’t, that’s great too. I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself where my weight is concerned. I’m a recovering anorexic so I can’t really help it but I’m determined not to relapse again.
My final goal was so socialise more and I’m not sure if I’ve managed to achieve this. I tried to join in on more blogger chats and I’ve had mixed success: at the start of the month I had a few chats that went really well and I met a lot of new people through. However towards the end of the month I’ve basically just been ignored in them and its left me feeling crap.
I have however been making a real effort to engage with other bloggers: to share their content, comment on their posts and just talking to them more in general. I’ve ended up having some great conversations with some lovely folks and I’ve really been enjoying socialising more!
So onto this coming month- what are my goals this time?
- Keep volunteering. I know I’m going to be really busy but I want to still take some time to volunteer every week at the local animal charity shop. Not only do I get to pet dogs and cuddle babies all day but it gets me out of the house and socialising. This is great for me as I don’t like to do this half the time and it pushes me out of my comfort zone, as well as giving me retail experience and something to put on my CV. Plus my mum could always do with the extra help!
- Learn to drive. I’m putting this in here rather tentatively as I’m still not 100% that I can afford to do this but what I wrote a the beginning of this post has shown me that I really want to learn! It would be so much more practical than having to rely on public transport and being screwed when the event you want to go finishes after your last train home. Or having to go into uni an hour early because you only have one train an hour. I want the freedom and independence to go where I want, when I want! I’ll have to learn in an automatic though, I’ve tried learning with gears twice and lets just say that it isn’t for me. It caused me to have several panic attacks and I can never remember which I’m in or hear when I need to change. Plus, why make driving harder for myself than it needs to be!
- Have more me time. What I’ve enjoyed most about being away from uni is being able to make time for myself. Take an hour or two to pamper myself on an evening after a busy day or curl up in bed with a warm drink and a good book! While I intend to work my ass off at uni and get the best marks and work I can out of it, I refuse to work myself into oblivion like I did last year. I will prioritise my mental health and make sure than I don’t overwork myself this time.
- Be and love myself. The temptation for me when I start somewhere new is to mimic everyone and pretend to be something I’m not to fit in. Not this time. I am determined to be myself and also to love myself the way I am. I’ve spent too many years wishing I was “normal”, but now I know why I am like I am I’ve been able to start accepting myself a lot more. There are so many things that make me a good person (apparently) and I’m going to work on listening to the people who tell me this and start believing people when they tell me that!
So those are my main goals for this month, lets see if I can actually achieve them this month!
What are your goals for October?