I’m a mental health blogger. I should be writing a really positive post and be active on social media on this day of all days. Or at least I feel like I should be.
Last year I managed to do that. This year I couldn’t.
All week I’ve been battling with my depression and in all honesty, I’ve been loosing. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about it though; I’ve been told all too often that I’m boring/depressive/that I need to be more happy and no wonder I have no friends/no one likes me.
Now I know for a fact that there are some lovely people on my twitter that I could reach out to and they would be so supportive of me, but taking that first step is impossible for me most days. No matter how many times they tell me to message them if I’m struggling, I just can’t get those statements out of my head. I worry that that’s what they actually think about me.
The worst thing is; I should be really happy right now! I’ve just passed my driving test first time, I’m enjoying being back at university and I’ve just set up my online store after putting it off for over a year! But rather than seeing the positives, my brain only wants to see the negatives. I’ve passed but I can’t afford a car or insurance, I graduate this year but finding a job to be able to support myself afterwards is going to be nearly impossible and I’ve not had a single sale on my store.
So I decided to keep away from social media yesterday. I couldn’t force myself to be all happy and positive and to see everyone tweeting about how things will get better. I know that they will, but right now I don’t feel like they will. I didn’t want my negativity to effect people who are celebrating how far they’ve come and their achievements, so I kept away.
I’m not even sure why I’m writing this post. I almost feel like I have to justify myself, to explain why I’ve not been as active as I usually am. My twitter following and engagement has been improving so much lately and I guess I feel disappointed in myself, even though I know it isn’t my fault.
I’m my own worst enemy and biggest critic!
So yeah; sorry for this random, short and somewhat pointless post. I’m trying to avoid bottling up my emotions so I’m occasionally using my blog as a form of therapy. Surprisingly it actually does make me feel a little better!
I’m off out with one of my best friends tomorrow, so hopefully a bit of retail therapy and a hot chocolate will help pull me out of this slump!
A twenty-four-year-old autistic writer and designer from Sheffield. Tattoo obsessed, animal lover, self confessed bookworm and eclectic witch.