Ever since I can remember, I’ve loved to write; from poetry that was published in young anthologies to short stories about evil aunties and pet dragons, it’s always been a passion and an escape for me.
So while I’ve no doubt about my writing skills (which sounds extremely big headed to say), I’m not completely sure I’m cut out to be a blogger.
Or at least, not the kind who can make a full time income from her blog.
Which is really worrying to think about considering this is my career plan. I’m even going on to do a Masters in Entrepreneurship next month, which I’m really trying not to second guess myself over!
While I know I’m good at creating content and I’m even starting to gain a decent following online; I suck at networking and meeting new people, especially at brand or press events.
And don’t even get me started on reaching out to brands asking to collaborate!
Even in a small group of only 5 or 6 people, I can almost guarantee that I’ll be the one sat on my own trying to figure out how to make conversation, or join in one that’s already going on.
And I know that’s my own fault mostly.
I’m hardly the most interesting person ever; in bed by 11, never been on a real holiday, not particularly into fashion/beauty and hates reality tv – I don’t leave myself much to work with.
Unless of course you like sarcasm and self deprecating humour!
But so much of being a “successful” blogger seems to rely on being popular and sociable and interesting. Building a good relationship with the people, not just brands but also the people who read my blog.
All thing my autism makes ten times harder than it needs to be.
I’m not even really sure why I’m writing this.
Maybe it’s because back when I first started my blog, it was a place for me to vent and talk about everything that was going on in my head, and just this once I want to have that luxury again.
But also because I want to start showing the real me a little more. I don’t want to give the impression that my life is perfect or that I never have any self doubts; that isn’t the case at all.
Hell if I manage to get through the week without wanting to quit everything and just curl up in bed and cry, it’s a miracle!
I’m not about to quit my blog though.
Nor am I going to give up my dream of making a full time income from writing; if anything, feeling like this just makes me even more determined to succeed. To show the world (and most importantly, myself) that you can succeed at anything you put your mind to, and that autism (or any other condition) should be no obstacle to achieving your dreams.
But occasionally need to write about the side to things that I try my best to hide; the insecurities and the worries and the constant fight with my own brain.
And I guess this is one of those times.
So with that off my chest, I’m going to curl up in bed with a hot chocolate and lose myself in a land full of dwarves, elves and magic rings.
(Also gold star if you know what books I’m currently reading from that description!)