A Few Home Truths
This is just a little post that I’ve wanted to write for a while. I have two notes saved on my phone that help motivate and inspire me when I’m feeling anxious or depressed. Now when you read them I’m pretty sure you’ll be thinking “what the hell, why would this motivate you?!” but I think motivation is individual to each person, and for some reason these two things resonate with me.
Now for the life of me I can’t find where the first one is from! I’ve just had it sat in my notes for what must be years now and if I every knew where I saved it from, I’ve completely forgot by now. If you know what or where this is from please let me know in the comments because the longer I spend on this post the more it is bugging me!
1. Don’t try to piss quietly. Nobody in a public restroom thinks you’re knitting in your stall. They came to piss, just like you. And if you have to take a dump, do it. Get over your fear of public toilets. It’ll make life a lot easier.
2. Masturbate. Masturbate a lot. Talk about it with your friends. You’ve got the right to make yourself feel good and brag about it just like all the boys with extra large kleenex packages on their desks.
3. If you want the large fries, get the large fries. Hunger and appetite are nothing to be ashamed of, just human. Don’t ever feel guilty for eating in front of others. You need to nourish your body to stay alive. We all do.
4. Laugh as loud as you have to, no matter if you snort or gasp or literally scream.
5. Fart when you have to.
6. Always remember you weren’t born to visually please others. Forget the phrase “what if they think it’s ugly”. If you think it’s lovely, it is lovely. You wanna wear it, wear it!
7. Speak your mind! You can learn to do so without insulting others or shoving your opinion down other people’s throats.
All of this is so true! I’m so bad for not using public toilets unless I have to and I constantly worry about what people think of the way I look. I’ve even wiped off red lipstick because I had someone look at me and raise their eyebrows. I read this not long afterwards and decided that you know what, I like wearing red lipstick and if I want to wear it- I will! I put the lipstick back on and walked around with my head up.
The next one is from the end of Billy Connolly’s book. This man is a constant inspiration to me (and I’m actually going to see him for my birthday!! You can read about it in this post HERE) and this message at the end of the book is something I try and live by as much as I can.
Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways. Have lots of long lie-ins. Wear sturdy socks, learn to grow out of medium underwear and, if you must lie about your age, do it in the other direction: tell people you’re 97 and they’ll think you look fucking great. Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swim away. Never eat food that comes in a bucket. If you don’t know how to meditate at least try and spend some time every day just sitting. Boo joggers. Don’t work out, work in. Play the banjo. Sleep with someone you like. Eat plenty of liquorice allsorts. Try to live in a place you like. Marry someone you like. Try to do a job you like. Never turn down the opportunity to shout “Fuck them all!” at the top of your voice. Avoid bigots of all descriptions. Let your own bed become to you what the Pole Star was to sailors of old…look forward to it. Don’t wear tight underwear on aeroplanes. Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?…he’s a mile away and you have his shoes. Clean your teeth and keep the company of people who will tell you when there’s spinach in them. Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to answer the question. Don’t pat animals with sneaky eyes. If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11am…start one. Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it had no swear words (if you don’t count Wagner, which in my opinion is one long one and should be avoided at all costs). If you write a book, be sure it has exactly 76 “fucks” in it. Send Hieronymus Bosch prints to elderly relatives for Christmas. Avoid giving LSD to guide dogs. Don’t be talked into wearing a uniform. Salute nobody. Never run with scissors or other pointy objects. Campaign against blue smarties. Above all, go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you’ll know what I mean when I say: “It’s good to be alive!”
Not only does this make me laugh the same as the other one does but it shows you that you can do what you like, because you like it! Obviously with restrictions like don’t break the law and be a decent human being. But things like “sleep with someone you like” are things we need to hear sometimes. There is a lot of negativity around women enjoying themselves, we regularly get called whores and sluts for doing something that is completely natural and in all honesty, none of anyone else’s business!
To make matters worse it’s other women that do this to each other too! But thats a topic for another post.
I must admit that the last sentence has been added onto my bucket list too. I’m not a tea drinker but I’ll make an exception in this case, it sounds like an experience I need in my life!