I’m not usually one for doing tags, I think the last one I did was the Harry Potter one that was floating around when I first started out. However when Nicole tagged me in her post I thought it was a great idea to try and spread more self love and I couldn’t resist joining in too!
It’s something I really struggle with, I hate the way I look and I hate how much my mental health problems limit me (as much as I try and not let that happen). I’m my own worst enemy really but I’m determined for the rest of the year to try and be more positive about myself…try being the main word there!
1) What is one thing that is getting you down at the moment?
Can I just say life? Might sound melodramatic but it’s true. I’m not anywhere close to where I want to be or to achieving my dreams. I hate the way I look (I’ve put on so much weight since recovering from anorexia) and I hate that I can’t function enough to get and keep a job. Basically someones kicked Joy off the controls and let Anger and Sadness loose lately. (If you get the Inside Out reference then you’re awesome!)
2) What is something that makes me happy?
Chris. Seriously I don’t know what I’d do without him. He is the reason I’m able to get up and function as a human being still: he’ll do anything and everything to cheer me up- even if it’s something as small as buying me some comfort food or as big buying me a whole new outfit to make me feel better about the way I look. I don’t know why he puts up with me but I’m so glad he does!
3) Name 3 guilty pleasures
Reading! This is my favourite thing to do- curl up with a good book and loose myself on it for a few hours! To forget your own problems and become someone else and travel to a different world was the thing that got me through being bullied as a kid and something I still use today when I’m feeling down.
Being naked. This one is probably TMI but I hate having to wear clothing, the way it feels against my skin and how restrictive it is drives me insane. There’s nothing better than getting out of a warm shower and curling up naked in fresh bedding!
Can’t think of a third one lol
4) What one thing would you like to improve about yourself?
Physically it would be to loose weight and tone back up. Although bigger boobs is a close second! Mentally it would be to get rid of anxiety, its crippling and triggers my depression at least once a week. Never thought I’d say this but I’d love to be normal sometimes.
5) When was the last time you belly laughed?
When Chris decided to cheer me up by standing in the middle of my bedroom and start “windmilling”…it was so unexpected it cracked me up!
6) What is your biggest insecurity/ fear?
That Chris is going to suddenly stop loving me and decide to leave me. Do you see a theme occurring here? Also that whenever I leave the house everyone is looking at me and talking/laughing about the way I look. Totally not paranoid at all.
7) Name a song that always cheers you up when your down
Rocking All Over The World by Status Quo. I went to see them in December with my parents and when this came on me and my dad got up and started jumping around like idiots to it. The guy behind us was filming it and you can actually see us doing it on YouTube: the shaved head you can see at the bottom right of the video is my dad! It was something we’d always wanted to do as a family and given the health scare with mum, I was just so grateful we got to go to their final ever electric tour.
8) Name 3 things you like about yourself
My eyes. They are a really deep, eye catching blue (no pun intended) and even though they’ve dulled as I’ve got older, I still love how they look. A fireman at a local event asked to take my photo when I was only 3/4, because he’d “never seen anyone with such stunning eyes”. Now I know these days that would flash up alarm bells for people but 20 years ago things were different. He took the photo on an instant camera and I can still see the photo in my head- me sat with a too big fireman’s helmet on, in the drivers seat of the truck grinning like an idiot! He stuck it on the dashboard and said “that’s staying there to cheer me up every day I come into work” and for all I know, a photo of me has been riding round and cheering this fireman up for the past 20 years!
The next two aren’t physical features as I don’t have any others that I like, but I love how stubborn and smart I am. Not meaning it to sound big headed but if you set me a challenge- I WILL completely it, even if it takes me months! These traits have got me through some pretty shit times and are the reason I’ve been able to take a bad situation and make it more positive.
9) What is an achievement that has made you proud of yourself this year?
I got into a high end university! I mean I hate the course and most of the people on it but that’s besides the point. I always thought I’d be too shit to get anywhere in the design industry: I’ve never been interested in the subject and can’t draw to save my life! The only reason I ended up taking it is because my douchbag of an ex wouldn’t let me take the course I wanted and made me take graphic design at college with him. Lovely fella, you can see why he’s an ex. But like I said in the last question, I’ll turn a negative into a positive if I can. I’ve stuck with the subject, managed to get good marks at both universities I’ve been at and have a few different plans on how to make a living from design once I leave!
10) Tell us your happiest memory
If you’d have asked my that a year or two ago I’d have given a very different answer. But that part of my life is over with now and all the good memories from that time are kind of tainted. These days my happiest memory has to be a toss up between going to see Status Quo with my parents as mentioned before and kissing Chris in his car after we’d been to see Fantastic Beasts. I already wrote about that story in this post here so I won’t write it all out again, you can read it there if you want to (it’s a funny one so I’d recommend you do!).
That’s it! Tag completed. Ive got my driving lesson and dentists today so really should get a move on and get ready to leave the house, instead of just sat scrolling though Instagram like I normally end up doing…