This week has been a really mixed week; on the one hand I’ve still been struggling with university (worse than ever actually) but at the same time I’ve also really improved within myself.
I’m not going to go into university and my dislike on how much weight I’ve gained since entering recovery, I don’t want to make this post negative- I’ve written enough of those lately. Instead I want to talk about a few personal achievements I’ve had this week that have really boosted my confidence in myself.
First off I’ve managed to go into a packed pub within the Students Union Hub and sit and eat a meal- on my own! Now some of you reading this might not know why something this simple is such a big deal to me, but I have always struggled with eating some place new thanks to my emetophobia.
Yes I finally know what it is called thanks to Nicole at @thriftyvintage_ who wrote an amazing post on the subject (which you can read HERE). If you’ve ready My Anorexia Story you’ll know it was triggered by a fear of being sick and things just went downhill very quickly from there!
Not only is this a problem but going anywhere on my own has always triggered a panic attack, especially if I’m in a place with a bunch of people my own age around me. But not old did I manage to go and do this but I did it without feeling anxious!
Can I get a gold star?
I also did a good deed and helped out an older lady who had stood in some dog much and had got it on her hand when trying to clean it off! Seriously, how hard is it to clean up after your dog?! This time of year its so difficult to see it under leaves, it makes my stomach roll just thinking about this again! I gave her some hand sanitizer and tissues and she managed to clean it off well enough until she could get to a toilets and clean up properly.
We ended up talking for the whole train ride and it was lovely to hear her stories and opinions, I really do love listening to older people, I could do it all day! She lives fairly locally and comes into the charity shop where I volunteer so I’m sure I’ll see her again.
Lastly I had a wonderful experience in Ann Summers when I went in to buy a new bra…or two. I’m a sucker for a nice bra, even if no one is going to see it but me! It just makes me feel great about myself, if that doesn’t make me sound vain…
Anyway since I’ve put weight on and come off the pill I’ve noticed that my boobs have got bigger! Now I’m not complaining at all, they’re now at a size where I’m fairly happy with them (finally!) but it means that my size has changed and I wasn’t sure what size I’d now be. I’m usually too self conscious to ask for help but the lady seemed really nice so I decided to just go for it and I’m so glad I did! Not only did she help me get the right size in this gorgeous leather/gothic bra (pictured) which I can safely say will be worn constantly for the foreseeable future, but we just got talking in general too. By the time we had got the sizing right for the two bras I ended up buying, I felt like I’d known her for years!
I usually say I can’t talk to people very well either so this is a big achievement!
It also made me reevaluate the way I think about myself, on the same day I managed to hold long conversations with two radically different people and not only not make a fool of myself (like my anxiety says I will), but actually enjoy myself doing it! It makes me think that if my anxiety wasn’t so bad that I’d actually be a really social person.
So this is my main goal for the rest of this year: to work on my anxiety and become more social. I can remember how social, fun and just a generally lovely person I used to be when I was a child and all this shit happened to me and I just want to get back to that. I’m sick of being depressed and anxious and nasty and to be honest- just not feeling like me anymore. So wish me luck and anything you think might help please feel free to send me, I’ll take all the help I can get!
I’ve already plugged this once but in case you skimmed over the above bit I’m plugging it again. What’s It’s Like Living With Emetophobia (A Fear Of Being Sick) is an amazing post about something I suffer with myself, without even really realising it. Obviously I knew I had a fear of being sick but I didn’t know it was an actual phobia! Since reading this I’ve actually felt much better about this problem, like putting a name to it and knowing other people have it too has made it okay somehow.
5 THINGS WE WISH WE’D KNOWN ABOUT FREELANCING WHEN WE WERE YOUNGER is a great post that has some great tips and advice for if you want to start freelancing. I’ve been wanting to start my own business for a long time but I’ve always been too scared to take the plunge…until now. I’m finally starting to plan out what I want to do and how I plan on doing it. While it might not happen this year, I’ve started on the path to getting there and this post has been a great help for me.
Also in-keeping with the above comments is 10 THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM WORKING FOR MYSELF. This has helped me with university too as while I’ve always been that person who finishes a project a week or two before deadline, I’ve not always been as productive with my time as I could be. However I’ve started to adopt these tips and I’ve noticed my productivity levels skyrocket!
DAILY JAZZA is the vlog channel for one of my favourite YouTubers, Josiah Brooks (aka Draw With Jazza). Not only do you get to see the ins and outs of running your own business but he’s a really funny and happy guy that never fails to make me laugh, I always try and start my morning by watching this! Watching him make his own app was so helpful for me when I was creating my own prototype app for university. He’s part of the reason I managed to get a Distinction for my Final Major Project!! Also you get to see glimpses into his family life with Mrs Jazza and Mini Jazza (his wife and toddler son) and MJ is literally the cutest!! Worth watching just to see him dance while Jazza plays the piano (which happens almost every vlog!)
What have you been loving this week? Let me know in the comments, I’m always looking for new blogs and posts to read!
A twenty-four-year-old autistic writer and designer from Sheffield. Tattoo obsessed, animal lover, self confessed bookworm and eclectic witch.